Becoming a father was the most significant decision of my life. I grew up not knowing my own dad and haven't seen or spoken to him in over twenty-five years. My stepfather was an admirable man who raised me as his own. He did everything he could for me; he was the most selfless person I have ever known. I couldn't have asked for a better role model as a father. However, the love, respect, and admiration I felt for him could not cover the emptiness of not knowing my biological father.
I often wondered why my father didn't want to see me. Did he hate my mother or do something terrible to her? Maybe I was a mistake he wished he could forget. The truth is, I don't know, and I don't think I ever will. Whatever the reason, I always felt like I had done something wrong. Even though I had a happy childhood, I knew something was missing.
Growing up, I saw that relationships come and go, and it's rare for a couple to stay together forever. Most of my friends' parents were divorced or separated, and I didn't want my children to grow up without both parents. I knew the impact that could have, and I didn't want my kids to feel the way I did. So, I took the responsibility of parenthood very seriously. I spent my twenties in a happy relationship but didn't start a family. I knew the person I had children with had to be special.
After three years of being with Natascha, I knew she was that person. We were friends for a long time before things got serious. She was much more than my girlfriend; she was my best friend. I trusted her, and that was why I wanted her to have my children. It wasn't because she was pretty, talented, kind, or strong; it was because we had something deep, meaningful, and strong. I knew I had a friend for life, and she felt the same way. We were not rushing things, and we had something special that went beyond love.
However, eight weeks after the birth of our second child, Natascha fell out of love with me and destroyed our friendship. I am not angry with her; I am a realist, and I know falling out of love can happen. But, I am upset that she insisted we never see each other again. Becoming a parent isn't easy, and if she loved me, wouldn't she give it a little bit longer than eight weeks? Especially when our children's futures depend on it?
I still love her, and I always will. I thought I would love her for the rest of my life. I loved her not because she was gorgeous or loved me more than other girls had, but because of how I felt when I was with her. Being with her felt right, and we fit together perfectly. We used to call each other 'puzzle,' and I long for her company now. Even though she doesn't love me anymore, it doesn't stop me from loving her. I wish it would sometimes, but it doesn't.
If she doesn't want to be with me, I accept that, but I don't understand why we can't be friends. I can't force her to be with me, and I don't want to be with a woman who doesn't want to be with me.
